I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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