you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize
