I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I will die if light touches me.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Randomize
