I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
