I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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