i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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