I swear she didn't look like that last week.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
