i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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