I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
