you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
