Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
i am craving dick and cupcakes
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
