In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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