I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
