I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
