I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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