I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
