Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize