Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Randomize
