I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I just found a bag of teeth...
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
