dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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