I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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