i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
