my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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