I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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