Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
