Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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