We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
