u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
