Soap is not a condiment
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
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