Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
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