i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
