So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
