I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
