If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
