i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
please come you make the beer taste better
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
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