i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Randomize
