I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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