i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
