i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
