i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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