On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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