I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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