Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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