Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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