sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
