you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
