Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
