there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
