I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
