nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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