I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Randomize
