I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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