No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
If its not for food we ain't going out.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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