I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
