im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
