girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Randomize
