positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
