So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
So here I am, sexting at work.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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