May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
