I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
