Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I think I just sharted jello shots
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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