I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
