Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize